Dear FNed:
I am so totally thrilled to be writing you this letter. Just last month, I had all of my fingers sawed off by a jealous lover. TOTALLY uncalled for. Thanks to the miracle of modern science, however, I have a brand-spanking-new set of cybernetic digits which can shoot poison darts, fire laser beams, mix a perfect fuzzy navel, or [edited for content] with the greatest of ease and pleasure.
Anyway, as thrilling as this is, I’m not sure why I’m even writing to you at all. Aren’t you the…
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Added by Reverend Joe on November 17, 2009 at 6:26am —
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Luckily, clouds covered the moon and I transformed back to human form. I was able to duck back into the house before I devoured an entire family. This lycanthropy is getting to be a pain in the necktie. And it's not even funny enough to make a sitcom of it. Of course, if it were an American sitcom, it wouldn't be funny anyway.
Monterey Jack Cheese turns 70 today. He's very much like Mickey Rooney, except taller, English, and much younger. Oh, and nothing like him, personality wise; I have not,…
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Added by Reverend Joe on October 28, 2009 at 1:53am —
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..turns out the rampant intellectual skullduggery I call my humanities course is filled to the rim with curiously uncreative thinkers. I am speaking of a lack of mental acuity to rival even the right wing; a display of gray matter flatulence that could be sliced up with a knife, mixed, baked, packaged, and sold as dipshit pie. I am too dismayed by the buffoonery that I dare not reproduce it in writing here, lest I become dumber by further exposure.
Aside from that, all is going swimmingly, exce…
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Added by Reverend Joe on September 16, 2009 at 8:38pm —
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I know what you're thinking... "any minute now, that pigeon will fly away and I can have the rest of that ice cream." Well, you're sick! Eating off the ground like some... like some red-clawed crab, except for the ground is not underwater and the ice cream is not exactly deep sea sediment. You know, actually, sidewalk dairy treats sound pretty good right now. I digress.
School begins again and I poke my rather bulbous nose into texts of ancient Rome. As if I needed anything more than Life of Br…
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Added by Reverend Joe on August 25, 2009 at 2:25pm —
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Driving through the desert in a car without A/C is as much fun as a sharp golden stick in the eye. I am awaiting new funding in the next couple months which would rectify this rampant sweatiness, but until then there is the happy thought of melanoma. It will be, no doubt, a fascinating topic of discussion at my next dinner party. It may make up for the salmon mousse.
I have yet to meet with advisors to see which courses I require to finish my degree. Less than a year remains until I join the ho…
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Added by Reverend Joe on June 23, 2009 at 12:05am —
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Oh where is my summer? Although the calendar indicates it is near, the sky itself, where a good deal of the summer actually happens, does not indicate an impending approach. All that appears imminent is a nip of rain, just enough to keep the weeds growing and the drivers incompetent.
As my body continues to process the Chinese delicacies of last night, turning the crab cheese wontons into bubbly thigh fat with which to turn away the ladies, I sit in front of the screen checking my many and vari…
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Added by Reverend Joe on June 7, 2009 at 8:34pm —
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So I woke up to the sound of herons mating. This is not terribly uncommon in this part of the state, and indeed, herons are randy enough that they'll go at it just about anywhere. But it is, in a cutely coital way, a strange sound to which one should reemerge into consciousness. They are not exactly soft-spoken lovers, nor do they engage in any pre-fornicative play that's worth mentioning here, but the males do certainly let loose with a tremendous stream of the nastiest heronese as they mount t…
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Added by Reverend Joe on May 20, 2009 at 6:50am —
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The summer is open to me now, as I have shuffled off the coils of education for the time being and have, with great enthusiasm, embraced a status of "uneducatable".
In the realm of the less fictional, I was recently told, by a coworker at the hotel wher eI'm employed, that he was approached at the desk one night by a person who complained, in all seriousness, that 'the sap from the pine trees was falling on his SUV.' Had I been there, I would most certainly have apologized that Paul Bunyan was…
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Added by Reverend Joe on May 11, 2009 at 12:42am —
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I am thinking of following the lines of Michael "Sahara" Palin and doing travel documentaries - though in truth, my most profound journeys of late span from the living room to the kitchen and back. Every so often, a side-trip to the loo, and then every night to the bedroom, alone aside from the thoughts of world domination, which I cannot help but think are somewhat ill-advised without a PhD to make it all seem planned out.
Ah, as they say, mein Schadenfreude hat kein Ende.
10 days or so until…
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Added by Reverend Joe on April 27, 2009 at 4:35pm —
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I'm typing this with the one free hand emerging from a gigantic pile of homework, so if for some reason I type the wrong fusebox, it's because I can't see what I'm doing.
Without getting too deeply into detail, and with no acquiescence to insufficiency, I find myself within a single year of being able to exhume artifacts and bones and writing long, tedious papers full of occupationally-specific jargon and raised-nose proclamations. Ah, science. If only I could go into comedy...!
Nonetheless, I…
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Added by Reverend Joe on April 16, 2009 at 4:56am —
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These guys made my Sunday well, and they didn't even devastate any small villages.
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Added by Reverend Joe on April 1, 2009 at 7:13am —
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Here I was, having the most remarkable bit of fun - and then I went and buggered it all up by thinking clearly about it. I've got to do something about this self-analysis, or at least figure it out so I can get a book deal and sell the movie rights. I tell you, sometimes my flights of fancy are so exotic, I'm tempted to call up Michael Palin to travel it for me.
I tell you, if I had a time machine, I'd go back and stop myself from inventing the time machine. Of course, that might toy with the v…
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Added by Reverend Joe on April 1, 2009 at 7:07am —
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So, as I was staring at THAT about three years ago, saying to myself "Self, you've gotta make your way through that crowd." Mental disturbance... or, rather, NOTE... Venice at first day of annual carnival is a wee nip crowded. Actually, if that guy (the one that promise…
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Added by Reverend Joe on March 28, 2009 at 3:00am —
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The bells, bells, bells... the incessant bells...
I awaken to the dawn, a brisk scent of spring pollen intermingled with the pollution of what-they-call progress. I am the cheeky sort who would make some whimsical comment at this point, but it's a little strange to do so when one is alone. I'll save the comment for later, in mixed company. I slam a hand down on the snooze button and escape into half-consciousness for another 9 minutes.
Today, I have resolved to catalog my cheeses. From the tin…
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Added by Reverend Joe on March 24, 2009 at 1:28pm —
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It alarms me - to the ambiguous-number-here-th degree - that Mr. Wensleydale has all this stinky cheese, but nary an ounce for sale.
Understandably, the cheese crisis of 2009 is at least partially to blame; but one cannot disclude Wensleydale's notorious lack of planning. A cheese deficit like this is inexcusable in these days, when mankind is capable of moving pictures and indoor plumbing. I say we give this villian a stern "talking to", or at the very least a poke in the gills with a soft cus…
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Added by Reverend Joe on March 21, 2009 at 9:36pm —
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In lifting one leg after the other (in a silly fashion, of course) I find myself in different places all the time. Like, for instance, the mailbox; the convenience store; or Kuala Lumpur. My latest destination of accident was a bit of an anti-climax: it was the refrigerator. As I opened the door and a swath of intermingled odors assaulted my olfactories, I had an inexplicable smattering of understanding... gastrointestinal dismay was all that would await me, should I choose to indulge in the chi…
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Added by Reverend Joe on March 17, 2009 at 7:46pm —
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...but I thought it might interest you to know that I am quite fond of cheese. It alarms me to a notable degree that there is no cheese in this cheese shop, though I suspect if I were to dig deeper, I could probably find a wedge or two. This is not to suggest you were hiding it from me, but there's hardly any other explanation for it, is there?
WHY do you hide the cheese from me? I've watched you on the telly for all these years. We're friends now. Didn't you know that? What good is my fanatica…
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Added by Reverend Joe on March 15, 2009 at 4:09pm —
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