Dear FNed:

I am so totally thrilled to be writing you this letter. Just last month, I had all of my fingers sawed off by a jealous lover. TOTALLY uncalled for. Thanks to the miracle of modern science, however, I have a brand-spanking-new set of cybernetic digits which can shoot poison darts, fire laser beams, mix a perfect fuzzy navel, or [edited for content] with the greatest of ease and pleasure.
Anyway, as thrilling as this is, I’m not sure why I’m even writing to you at all. Aren’t you the… Continue

Dear FNed:

I am so totally thrilled to be writing you this letter. Just last month, I had all of my fingers sawed off by a jealous lover. TOTALLY uncalled for. Thanks to the miracle of modern science, however, I have a brand-spanking-new set of cybernetic digits which can shoot poison darts, fire laser beams, mix a perfect fuzzy navel, or [edited for content] with the greatest of ease and pleasure.
Anyway, as thrilling as this is, I’m not sure why I’m even writing to you at all. Aren’t you the… Continue

Luckily, clouds covered the moon and I transformed back to human form. I was able to duck back into the house before I devoured an entire family. This lycanthropy is getting to be a pain in the necktie. And it's not even funny enough to make a sitcom of it. Of course, if it were an American sitcom, it wouldn't be funny anyway.

Monterey Jack Cheese turns 70 today. He's very much like Mickey Rooney, except taller, English, and much younger. Oh, and nothing like him, personality wise; I have not,… Continue

..turns out the rampant intellectual skullduggery I call my humanities course is filled to the rim with curiously uncreative thinkers. I am speaking of a lack of mental acuity to rival even the right wing; a display of gray matter flatulence that could be sliced up with a knife, mixed, baked, packaged, and sold as dipshit pie. I am too dismayed by the buffoonery that I dare not reproduce it in writing here, lest I become dumber by further exposure.

Aside from that, all is going swimmingly, exce… Continue

Charles lives in the bathroom.
Charles is just a little spider.
Charles has a big dinner waiting for him.

Charles loves you!